Many people are surprised when their pet dies at the depth of their grief about it. We are supposed to feel bad about it, of course, but to really grieve for weeks or even months over the death of a dog or a cat? That can seem shameful or make a person feel guilty for being so upset. Not only that, but it may be hard for other people to understand. The Humane Society (now called Humane World for Animals) website www.humaneworldforanimals.com
points out that people often feel the same kind of grief at the death of a pet as they would at the death of a friend or a family member.
When I googled “death of a pet,” I got over 27milions hits, so it seems that a lot of people are looking for guidance about this very common life event. In fact, there are an estimated 75 million pet dogs in the U.S. and another 75 million cats. Authorities like the Animal Veterinary Medical Association acknowledge that the loss of a pet is often accompanied by intense sorrow that can last weeks and months as you adjust to life without your pet.
I notice that when my dog is at the groomer (an all-day event), I feel odd about the fact that no puppy is “dogging” my steps around the house and I imagine these little incidents can trigger grief for quite a while. Afterall, who greeted you when you walked in the door? Who follows you around like a shadow? The world may suddenly feel much emptier. You feel the “absence of the presence,” as the Veterinary Association puts it. A pet becomes entwined with family life, and children may be especially upset. It is also especially hard for older people who live alone.
A 2024 article in The Guardian points out that pets provide solace, support, and even unconditional love; losing all of that can be one of the hardest things we ever go through, especially for those of us who are alone, especially if we had to euthanize the pet. Some people end up feeling like they murdered their pet! They can become unreasonably angry at the vet who helped them or the friend or family member that agreed it was a good idea.
As The Guardian article reports, the death of a pet can be especially difficult if it comes on the heels of losing a family member or a close friend. It can create an “echo,” of the grief you felt about the earlier loss. If your animal was a working animal, as mine is (a therapy dog), you feel the loss of a coworker or even the loss of your own role in the work or the loss of membership in an organization. Finally, if the death is untimely or accidental, it can be harder for the owner.
Other people may say to you that you ought to be getting over it “by now”. Or they will ask you “When are you getting a new pet?” Don’t listen to them. It can be hard to form a proper bond if you get another animal too soon, especially if the new animal isn’t as affectionate or is more difficult to live with. All of the research I read concludes that you have to give it time and attention, to work through it as you would work through the death of a human you were close to. Trying to ignore your feelings can make it worse in the long run. And, for some people, finding a new pet is just the right thing to do. It’s important to know yourself here.
The idea that there are stages of grieving is quite popular, and Elizabeth Kubler Ross did an heroic job of making us more aware of grief and its many faces. The research just doesn’t show that there are actual stages that occur in a specific order, but if you track the feelings Kubler Ross pointed out, shock, anger, and sadness, as well as acceptance, you find they come and go. Grief may wash over you unexpectedly (as when you notice, once again, that you no longer have a little shadow moving about the house with you). Some little thing, like finding an old dog toy under the couch, can trigger a cascade of feelings. You can feel angry at yourself as well for no reason, as well as at family and friends, when they can’t understand why you are in such a state! So, on top of anger and sadness, you may feel ashamed or guilty for being so upset.
Human World lists a number of strategies that may speed the healing process:
- Acknowledge how you are feeling rather than try to suppress it. A good cry can go a long way toward helping you feel better.
- Focus on the good times you had with your pet rather than obsessing about how your pet died or what you could have done differently.
- Reach out to someone who can be sympathetic. There are lots of resources online including “Pet Compassion Careline” where you can find support 24/7 https://shelburneveterinaryhospital.com/wp-content.uploads.2025/01/Pet-Grief-Support.pdf
- Take the time to memorialize your pet. Create a little ceremony or ritual like spreading your pet’s ashes in a favorite spot or burying the ashes in the soil beneath a new plant.
- Create a memory box for your pet’s collar and favorite toys. Commemorate your pet with a painting, a memorial stone, or a plush animal. Search for “pet memorial” on Etsy.
- Write about how you feel, or write a letter to your pet about the good times you had and how much you loved and will always love them.
- Post an obituary or an eulogy on Facebook.
Remember, some people will never understand why the death of a pet is so important. Ignore them. Do what you need to do to live out your grief and honor the time you had with your pet. Don’t let anyone tell you what you ought to feel or when you need to “move on”. Be patient with yourself and take good care of yourself. You are certainly not alone and working through it is the best way to get through it.
A note from my editor: Working through the loss may be harder for man men than for women as men often try to suppress their sad feelings. So, for men this may be a particular challenge.